As a child, I bounced around quite often. As a result, this man chose to play house and make me his playmate. This man gave me a feeling no child should have ever felt. He took from me what God never intended, and that was my life!. Some of the things you're about to read may be a bit disturbing, but there is no other way to phrase it. I left out many details but after reading, you have an idea of how my life of destruction all began.... 

 

I will always remember the blanket he used to cover me up when he would play between my legs. It was a colorful blanket. It almost looks like it could have been hand made. It had different sqaure blocks and each block had different patterns and colors. The colors that stand out are light pink, green and a black, white and red stripe pattern.  When this man  had me under the blanket, he would play between my legs and guide my hand onto his private part, showing me how to stroke it up and down. He would touch me until he was satisfied. When he was finished, he would always ask me "Do you feel better now"? Why would he ask me that? It should have been, Do you feel better now, Not do I feel better! 

 

This man would often say, I was a bad girl (bad girls get spankings butt naked). His definition of a spanking was, all clothes must come off, bend over and except your punishment. Geesh, that use to hurt! Now that I am grown, I know why he spanked me butt naked. What a sight that must have been. This man would also rinse my mouth out with soap, when in fact, it should had been his mouth the soap was going in! 

 

This man must not have realized what he was doing, because (surely) a grown man knows playing sex games with a child, was not right. What gave him the right to do these things to me? What was he ever thinking?  

 

When I grew up and realized what he was doing was wrong, I told somebody. That was the worse day of my life. I was made out to be a liar and my life will never be the same. Its called a life of destruction!

 

I hated this man! I wanted him dead! I wanted him to pay for what he did to me. Not only did he abuse me, but he lied! My life went so downhill and I became this person I never want to meet and or see again. I began drinking heavily and became this angry drunk. I cried all the time, I broke windows, threw things at people (for no reason) etc.. I began to destroy everything and everybody around me.  When I would drink, I felt like I was the Incredible Hulk/Super Woman! I would charge people (just because). I guess you can say, I was like Hurricane Andrew and a tornado mixed together.  

 

I remember I got drunk one night and called this man. I asked him why did he do what he did. His response was; because I wanted it! So I thought about it, and said, maybe I did want it, I never stopped him, plus he gave me a feeling I had never felt before. This man gave me a feeling one would experience with his first love, his wife, his everything, not a child. Why would I want him to stop (That's crazy)?

 

There is not a day that goes by, I don't think about what this man has done to me. I have to walk with him, I have to sleep with him,

I have to eat with him, and I have to take a shower with him! Everywhere I go, this man will for-ever be a reflection of my life!

I will forever have to share my body with this man, because he chose to abuse me at such an early age! How sick is that? Can one imagine living like this on a daily basis? How horrific and traumatic can that be?

 

This is just a piece of what he has done to me and for me. This is just a piece of how this man has affected me! I guess I will never understand what this man was ever thinking and to be honest, I don't think I ever want to know. 

 

Not only was I abused as a child, as I got into relationships (I thought they were relationships) they were all abusive. Either I was doing the hitting, or he was doing the hitting. I was always told, when you beat someone, that means they love you. So, if you didn't beat me, you did not love me. Its crazy because, I used to sometimes make my mates beat me, even if he did not want to... Geesh!

So, I guess I can say, I have never had a healthy relationship. My relationships were based on sex that I did not like. In order to have sex, I would have had to be drunk (No and's, if's, or but's about it). I have never experienced real love but one day, God will give me the love of my life. 

 

Today, I have come to terms that this man is sick and what matters is, I have forgiven him. Although this man abused me, hurt me and caused me pain, its not my decision what his consequences may be, its not my decision to judge him, for Judgment day is coming! God has the last word! I just hope and pray he has given his-self to the Lord..

 

What makes my life so smooth today is, I know who God is, and I know that God is, and will forever be handling all my problems (today, tomorrow, the next day and yesterday)! If God is for me, then who can be against me! 

 

I can't express how hard this was writing about my abuse. The feeling is so real. It's like it's happening all over again. The tears are rolling down my face but I know its because I'm a Survivor!! 

 

There is so much to say, but not enough space. The abuse I endured has affected my life and I cant wait to see what God has in store for me. I cant wait until I blossom like the beautiful flowers God has created....

 

Thank you God for loving me as you love all your children....